همواره حيران مانده ام که آيا چيزی راجع به زندگی ياد گرفته ام يا نه؟ فقط اين نکته که انسان به دو قسمت ذهن (روح) و جسم تقسيم شده است. ذهن (روح) آدمی تمام ايده ها و الهامات باارزش و نو نظير شعر و فلسفه را خلق می کند اما جسم آدمی است که از آنها لذت می برد. فکر می کنم نکته مهم اين است که نبايد نگاه تلخ به زندگی داشته باشيم. اگر خدايی هم وجود داشته باشد فکر نمی کنم که شرور و شيطان صفت باشد. به نظر من بدترين چيزی که می توانيد درباره خدا بگوييد اين است که او آن چيزی نيست که ما انتظارش را داريم. بالاخره اينکه در زندگی چيزهای بدتر از مرگ هم وجود دارد. اگر يک بعدازظهرتان را با يک مشاور فروش بيمه سپری کرده باشيد می فهميد که من راجع به چه چيزی دارم صحبت مي کنم. نکته کليدی اين است که به مرگ به عنوان يک نقطه پايان نگاه نکنيد، بلکه آن را روشی موثر در کاهش هزينه های خود بدانيد. راجع به عشق هم چه چيزی می توانم بگويم؟ تعداد (کمیت) روابط جنسی که داريد مهم نيست بلکه کيفيت آنهاست که مهم است. البته اگر کميت هم به زير يک مورد در هشت ماه برسد آن موقع بايد چيز ديگری گفت.
عشق رنج است. برای کاهش رنج بایستی از عاشقی دست کشید. در این صورت انسان از عدم عشق رنج می برد. بنابراین عشق یعنی رنج، عدم عشق هم یعنی رنج و رنج یعنی رنج. برای شادی بایستی عاشق بود. بنابراین شادی هم رنج است. اما رنج باعت عدم شادی انسان می شود. بنابراین برای شاد نبودن انسان یا بایستی عاشق باشد یا عاشق رنج باشد یا از شادی بی نهایت رنج ببرد. امیدوارم که فهمیده باشید...
بخشهايی از فيلم «عشق و مرگ» کمدی درخشان وودی آلن. تازگيها با فيلمهای آلن کلی حال می کنم. به نظر من وودی آلن يک نابغه است. سکانس اعدام آلن در اين فيلم يکی از به ياد ماندنی ترين سکانسهای کمدی است که تا به حال ديده ام. فيلم را حتما ببينيد البته اگر از فلسفه خوشتان می آيد
اين نظر براي آزمايش است آزمايش مي شود 123
1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into the coffee table..........Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.................Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.........................Wai So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet.............Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone....................No Pa King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week......Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight.........................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobille...........Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive............Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great..............................................Fa Kin Su Pa
17) I think a mistake has been made..............Wai Yu So Dum
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1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into the coffee table..........Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.................Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.........................Wai So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet.............Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone....................No Pa King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week......Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight.........................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobille...........Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive............Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great..............................................Fa Kin Su Pa
17) I think a mistake has been made..............Wai Yu So Dum
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Lady on the Bus
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. ...
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident... " I just lost it."
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Lady on the Bus
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. ...
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident... " I just lost it."
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Lady on the Bus
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. ...
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident... " I just lost it."
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A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. ...
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident... " I just lost it."
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A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. ...
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident... " I just lost it."
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Open wider
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."
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No Toilet Paper
There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.
Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.
While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."
Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.
All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.
The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers
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This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? This is a true story . . .
There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too because they were laughing so hard!
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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone too!"
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.
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He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
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At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
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Air Freshener
An Avon lady was going in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got into the elevator. he began to sniff.
The Avon lady asked' "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes, I do" he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree." :)
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There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
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There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
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She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
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Ways To Annoy people On The Beach
Ask everyone you meet, "Hot enough for you?"
Sing the "Barney" theme song as loud as you can.
If you see kids building a sand castle, say, "That's not a real castle!"
Every time when you're about to duck under the water, yell, "Down periscope!"
Go swimming in a full business suit. If people notice, act like they're the weirdos.
Put sea shell to your ear and announce to first person to pass by, "It's for you!" Repeat several times.
Throw jellyfish around.
Tune radio to all-news station and blast as loud as you can, then nod your head and snap your fingers like you're
listening to some happenin' tunes.
Act like a sea gull.
Wear t-shirt that says, "I'm the coolest dude on this pathetic beach. No autographs please."
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Ways To Annoy people On The Beach
Ask everyone you meet, "Hot enough for you?"
Sing the "Barney" theme song as loud as you can.
If you see kids building a sand castle, say, "That's not a real castle!"
Every time when you're about to duck under the water, yell, "Down periscope!"
Go swimming in a full business suit. If people notice, act like they're the weirdos.
Put sea shell to your ear and announce to first person to pass by, "It's for you!" Repeat several times.
Throw jellyfish around.
Tune radio to all-news station and blast as loud as you can, then nod your head and snap your fingers like you're
listening to some happenin' tunes.
Act like a sea gull.
Wear t-shirt that says, "I'm the coolest dude on this pathetic beach. No autographs please."
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In support of a recent Angus and Reid news poll stating that 94% of Americans feel that Lawyers are the dumbest of all professionals.
Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
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Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
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Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
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Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
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After a hard days work this computer programmer stopped at a lock bar for a drink. As he was sitting at the bar he was looking at his hand and dialing like it was a phone. The bartender was very curious so he asked the man what he was doing?
The programmer said I have invented a built in phone in my hand and tomorrowo I am going to patten it.
The bartender said sir....this area is kind of rough you could get mugged for showing this new product around be careful!!!!!
At this point the programmer asked where the bathroom was, the bartender said go down the hall turn right.
Well....time passed......the bartender was getting concered as the programmer did not come back. So he went to investigate.
When the bartender entered the bathroom, there was the programmer standing against the wall with his pant down, and a roll of toliet paper stuffed up his ass!!!!!!
The bartender yelled in dismay!!!!! Oh my heavens you haven been mugged I told you to be careful!!!!!
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The programmer said I have invented a built in phone in my hand and tomorrowo I am going to patten it.
The bartender said sir....this area is kind of rough you could get mugged for showing this new product around be careful!!!!!
At this point the programmer asked where the bathroom was, the bartender said go down the hall turn right.
Well....time passed......the bartender was getting concered as the programmer did not come back. So he went to investigate.
When the bartender entered the bathroom, there was the programmer standing against the wall with his pant down, and a roll of toliet paper stuffed up his ass!!!!!!
The bartender yelled in dismay!!!!! Oh my heavens you haven been mugged I told you to be careful!!!!!
The programmer replied.
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